Tuesday.

As in, it’s only Tuesday! Bloody hell, how the week drags. I don’t know why, but yesterday and today seem to be moving in slow motion! I suppose it could be worse, it could be the whole ground hog day thing happening (eventually I would get bored with writing this post then and in all likelihood I would have to stop, and become lost to my blog friends, even if it was only I that realised that it was the same day over and over and over again, I mean that would be great if it was a birthday, unless of course you would still wake up with a hangover… hmmm, and imagine you could try all the Michelin star restaurants and never technically pay to eat there. Ok – this is starting to grow on me. Think we can do it the day after pay day though?  Then imagine! What I want to know though, is if one went to the gym on groundhog day, would it count as a workout, as the day had not happened? Would one have a hangover from the expensive dinner the night before, the one that doesn’t exist, and are aliens amongst us? All these things to ponder.

So – I was looking at one of my favourite awards, and I decided that they just had to have a spot here on my page. Now your all probably thinking I’m talking about the Golden Globes (ok – I know I enjoyed Borat, but how the hell did Johnny NOT get that award??)  but no, I’m talking about awards that are given out to the people who should be recognised as they allow us to feel superior. Somewhat like watching the Jerry Springer show. The awards being, The Darwin Awards.

The opening lines on the website state:

A Chronicle of Enterprising Demises
We salute the improvement of the species
by honouring those who accidentally remove themselves from it, thereby
ensuring that the next generation is one idiot smarter.
Of necessity, this award is (generally) bestowed posthumously. 

And I could not have said it better!

These extracts were taken directly from www.darwinawards.com. 

So lets start with the winner
(17 April 2006, England) There's always someone who thinks good advice doesn't apply to him. For example, if a doctor advises that the one thing you must not do is go near a flame, as you are going to be covered with a flammable material, most people would take this advice onboard, and not strike a match until the flammable material has been removed.

However, Phillip, 60, knew better than his doctor. Philip was in the hospital to treat a skin disease, said treatment consisting of being smeared in paraffin-based cream. Philip was warned that the cream would ignite, so he definitely should NOT smoke. But he just couldn't live without that cigarette."

Smoking was not permitted anywhere on the ward, but Phillip took this setback in stride, and sneaked out onto a fire escape. Once he was hidden, he lit up... inhaled... and peace descended as he got his nicotine fix. Things went downhill only after he finished his cigarette, at the moment he ground out the butt with his heel.

The paraffin cream had been absorbed by his clothing. As his heel touched the butt, fumes from his pajamas ignited. The resulting inferno "cremated" his skin condition, and left first-degree burns on much of his body. Despite excellent treatment, he died in intensive care.

(note from Julz: pity he had probably already reproduced)

The runner up:
(3 June 2006, Florida) Two more candidates have thrown themselves into the running for a Darwin Award. The feet of Jason and Sara, both 21, were found protruding from a deflated, huge helium advertising balloon. Jason was a college student, and Sara attended community college, but apparently their education had glossed over the importance of oxygen.

The pair pulled down the 8' balloon, and climbed inside. Their last words consisted of high-pitched, incoherent giggling as they slowly passed out and passed into the hereafter.  (When one breathes helium, the lack of oxygen in the bloodstream causes a rapid loss of consciousness. Some euthanasia experts advocate the use of helium to painlessly end one's life.)

Third place:
August 2006, Brazil) August brings us a winner from Brazil, who tried to disassemble a Rocket Propelled Grenade (RPG) by driving back and forth over it with a car. This technique was ineffective, so he escalated to pounding the RPG with a sledgehammer. The second try worked--in a sense. The explosion proved fatal to one man, six cars, and the repair shop wherein the efforts took place.

14 more RPG grenades were found in a car parked nearby. Police believe the ammunition was being scavenged to sell as scrap metal. If it wasn't scrap then, it certainly is now!

Fourth place:
September 2006, Florida) A fearsome mythical giant was felled by a humble slingshot. But a modern speargun vs. an underwater leviathan is another tale altogether, as a Florida man discovered.

Outlawed in 1990, hunting Goliath-sized groupers remains surprisingly popular. These fish can weigh hundreds of pounds, yet there are underwater hunters who choose to tether themselves to such muscular sea creatures. However unlikely a pursuit, the poaching of groupers by divers and snorkelers continues, in defiance of both the law and common sense.

Of this elite group, our Darwin Award winner distinguished himself yet further by disregarding one essential spear fishing precaution. By embarking on this hunt without a knife to cut himself loose, the "fit and experienced snorkeler" was guaranteeing that his next attack on a giant grouper would be his last.

Why anyone thinks it's a good idea to tether yourself to a fish twice your size, I don't know. Some time later, the body of the spear fisher was found pinned to the coral, 17 feet underwater. Three coils of line were wrapped around his wrist, and one very dead grouper was impaled at the other end of the line.

In those final hours, the tables were turned, and the fish was given an opportunity to reflect on the experience of "catching a person."

Fifth place:
(August 2006, Libreville, Gabon) In August, a congregation's 35-year old pastor insisted one could literally walk on water, if one only had enough faith. Big and bold was his speech. He extolled the heavenly power possessed by a faithful man with such force that he may well have convinced himself. Whether or not he believed in his heart, his sermons left room for only shame should he leave his own faith untested. Thus, the pastor set out to walk across a major estuary, the path of a 20-minute ferry ride. But the man could not swim.

Lacking the miraculous powers of David Copperfield, let alone holy Jesus Christ, this ill-fated cleric found only a Darwin Award at the end of his final path.

Last: (how bad is it to be last in death?)
(19 March 2006, Belize) Benjamin Franklin reputedly flew his kite in a lightning storm, going on to discover that lightning equals electricity. However, certain precautions must be taken to avoid sudden electrocution. Kennon, 26, replicated the conditions of Ben Franklin's experiment, but without Ben's sensible safety precautions. Dennon was flying a kite with a short string that he had extended with a length of thin copper wire. The copper made contact with a high-tension line, sending a bolt of electrical lightning towards the man. Just bad luck? Kennon's father told listeners his son was an electrician, and "should have known better." Kennon is survived by his parents, six sisters, and five brothers.

So all this found me highly amused!! As it would what with my twisted sense of humour, but come on, we all like to know that somewhere out there the balance between good and evil / dumbass’ and not so much, is being rectified. And here we have confirmation. Lol – nasty, but funny!
On this side, I have an audition with a production company tomorrow night, so hold thumbs for me there, you never know, maybe I will be famous! Heh – I can always dream right?

Much love to you all!
me